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The 
Diary of 



y MMO€Em': 







The Diary of Two 

Innocents 

Abroad 




Reims Cathedral as it is today 



One of^Them 




Privately Printed 






Copyright 1919 by 
Noble Crandall 

Designed and printed by 

Ralph Fletcher Seymour 

Fine Arts Building 

Chicago 

i)ti- lb !9:y 

©CI.A530788 



LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 



Reims Cathedral as it is today Frontispiece 

Opposite 
page 

Westminster Abbey 10 

St. Paul's 12 

Eddie meditating about his orphan 21 

Eddie's orphan 24 

Col. Burr and the two innocents re- 
pairing car 27 

Pierce-Arrow in trouble 32 

Wiesbaden 37 

Major Smith 41 

Chauffeur Stone and crew of car that 

turned turtle 45 

Col. Burlingame and his Dutch Rock 

Throwers 49 

The Blond Coat 50 

Col. Wierbreck 51 

On the dyke in Holland with the goats 52 

Col. Burr and Eddie at Ostend 53 

Ypres Cathedral 56 

Arras 57 

Amiens Cathedral 58 



En Route from Chicago to 
New York 

Some one told me the way to keep a 
diary is to make rough notes, scribble 
a word down on the back of the gas 
bill — anything you don't want, or 
don't like — and then "enlarge"' at 
night. I did it twice today. Once 
going doicn to the office and again on 
the way to the train, now it is time to 
enlarge and I look at my notes. As 
far as I can make out the splendid 
idea that entered my head en route to 
the office is "plaxysms" and the soul 
stirring thought before I got to the 
station is ''rambuceous." 

The notes are destroyed. It doesn't 
matter. I remember the cane that the 
boys in the office gave me. I wonder if 
we will ever outgrow wanting to cry 
when we have presents handed to us. 
Come to think of it, though, we grow 
INTO it, not OUT of it. I never 
cried as a kid when I got anything, I 
suppose we are grateful with age. Its 
a fine cane and I'm going to carry it to 
the land where over two million of our 
buddies carried a gun — this train is 
rocking so I can't ivrite. 



THE DIARY OF TWO 
INNOCENTS ABROAD 

On Board the Aquitania off the 
Coast of Ireland. 

When Ed and I came aboard we 
thought we could get good and 
rested on the boat. Now we hope 
we can get good and rested from the 
boat when we get to London. It 
seemed at first I would have so much 
time on the ship I could write in my 
diary every day^ — I planned to send 
home a good many letters, go over 
my accounts, learn a little French, 
take a great deal of exercise, and lead 
a life both healthy and instructive. 
Ed has no ideals and said at the start 
I wouldn't do anything — ^he planned 
quite a different week, and being the 
stronger character of the two he 
stuck to his schedule — and dragged 
me along with him — dragged me 
down with him. Now we will soon 
be in and I am hurrying off letters to 
the folks dated all through the week. 
It is better to deceive our dear ones 
than to wound them. Anyway it 
has been a great trip. There is an 



8 The Diary of Two 

earnest feeling about going to Europe 
even tho the war is over; nobody is 
traveling who hasn't got a reason. 
The ship's company is bristling with 
missions — everybody has a purpose 
even if it's a lame one. Ed and I 
decided to outline carefully all the 
topics we want to go over with the 
Colonel when we get to Paris. We 
were to do it on the boat but I think 
we will have more time in London — 
we don't know many people in 
London. Somebody is yelling "land" 
— must attend to this. 



Innocents Abroad 



Tuesday^ April 15th London. 

Tomorrow we go on to Paris when 
I hope we get rested and have a 
httle time to write up my diary. 
We reached London Saturday night 
although the officials who came on 
the boat at Liverpool were loath to 
lose us. We were given numbers and 
waited our turn for the examination 
of our passports. It was all done 
intelligently, the undesirables being 
waived aside and sent in to a board 
of inquiry under the military. Theat- 
rical people without labor permits 
for instance; British subjects who 
had been conspicuous only for their 
absence during the war; one young 
fellow, American born, who had 
skipped down to his father's planta- 
tion in South America. They aren't 
going to deal any too leniently for the 
next few years with the boy who did 
not show an inclination to fight. I 
suppose some one reported the Ameri- 
can young fellow. 

Came down in a cold train through 



lo The Diary of Two 

a lovely green country— there is no 
scar on this land beyond the heavy 
marks the people carry, but trains 
are few, coal is scarce, food rationed 
still and it is one long fight to get 
a conveyance of any kind — to get 
a resting place for that matter, but 
we came out all right there; the 
Colonel saw to that, arranging from 
the Paris end. After we had picked 
out our baggage at the station (we 
could have picked out anybody 
else's if we had preferred to, there 
was no checking system, of course, 
and nothing to stop us from taking 
our choice. Ed said he thought ours 
was as good looking as any so we 
took no chances.) Well, as I was 
saying, after we had picked out our 
"luggage, old top" we went to the 
Hyde Park Hotel and found a fine 
room waiting for us with a cute lit- 
tle fire in the fireplace that wouldn't 
do anybody any harm. After dinner 
we went down to the theatre where 
Louise Hale is playing but couldn't 
get seats. When the Londoners 
aren't jazzing, as they call our turkey 




Westminster Abbey 



Innocents Abroad ii 

trot over here, they are going to the 
theatre. They are all in a state of 
extreme excitability, and the Lord 
knows I don't blame them. You 
can't talk with a Londoner for a 
minute but he begins to tell you 
about the air-raids. One woman 
who nursed in France up at the 
front and was frequently under fire 
said it wasn't half as nerve racking 
as going through an air raid when 
she came back to London for a rest. 
As far as I can make out my rest, 
while I am over here, is going to be 
a good deal like hers. 

Sunday we behaved very well as 
we went to church twice, making 
short calls on Westminster Abbey 
and St. Paul's. Some day I hope to 
have the children over here and do 
this thing properly but there isn't 
time for much sightseeing now. Ed 
and I took a car and went to Wind- 
sor having lunch at the White Hart. 
The scenery was fine going out, and 
probably just as good going back 
but we both slept all the way home 
— one of the most expensive beds 



12 The Diary of Two 

I've ever been in. Upon our return 
we had just wrapped ourselves up 
in our eider-down bed quilts to keep 
warm in our room, as the fire I am 
inclined to think was only photo- 
graphed in the fireplace — perhaps 
kinemacolor ! when Louise Hale and 
a friend, also an American, Sewell 
Haggard, called. 

She was glad to see us although 
her chief interest seemed to be a 
bottle of whiskey. She didn't have 
one but she wanted one, and was 
pinning her faith to our procuring it. 
She had a doctor's certificate for U 
bottle for medicinal purposes but 
couldn't get it even then. I glibly 
said we could get one, not knowiiig 
what we were up against. I may 
add right here that we did get it. We 
spent a large part of today during 
the hours that the bar was open buy- 
ing individual drinks and pouring 
them into an empty bottle we had 
procured. Never can fail a lady in 
distress. 

These two days have been given 
over to business, more passport 



■>«■ , ,- .CV,.!S^5«0. 








St. Paul's 



Innocents Abroad 13 

stuff, and trying to keep warm. 
They say it isn't cold any more over 
here — but it has been. I am glad I 
am not a has been. Last night Ed 
and I gave a dinner party at the 
Savoy to the French friends we met 
on the boat and L's acquaintance. 
Sewell Haggard had to hurry to sit 
in the royal box to see L's play. 
Restaurants don't open until late 
since the war, and theatres open 
early; all of course to save heat, 
light and get the crowds home be- 
fore midnight^ — ^but it is mighty 
uncomfortable. At one time the 
tubes and buses ran often and all 
night, but thousands of buses have 
not yet been "demobilised" and 
coal shortage limits the underground 
service. I guess we are getting pre- 
pared by degrees for the great rav- 
ages of war which we will soon see. 
These British keep cheerful though 
the wounded are thick in the streets. 
We had supper at the Trocadero 
after the play, the place full of of- 
ficers, as happy as men can be on 
lemonade, and a band so noisy that 



14 The Diary of Two 

it would have been vulgar at Coney 
Island. By twelve fifteen the lights 
were out and the scramble began for 
cabs^ — with good old English rain 
beating on us. Ed and I kept our 
cab — if you don't pay 'em they have 
to stick. 



Innocents Abroad 15 



Paris, April 21st. 

I seem to be considerably behind 
with my diary but I am hoping to 
find more time when I get up to the 
front. I will also be more rested 
too^ — certainly war was never like 
this! 

I remember very hazily crossing 
the channel from Folkestone to Bou- 
logne — ^I was all right. Of course the 
man who tells the story always is, 
but Ed (who had hoped to get a lit- 
tle rest himself during the crossing) 
wasn't able to rest a minute. My 
great regret was I didn't have a 
camera in case he is ever heard say- 
ing he's a good sailor. We got 
through the red tape fairly easily at 
the landing, being greatly helped by 
one of our American Military Police. 
These boys are everywhere in Europe 
and are most helpful to travelers. 
Naturally that isn't their mission. 
They are stationed in various ports, 
railway stations, etc., to look after 
any strays from our ranks, or men 



i6 The Diary of Two 

who are on leave and need assistance. 
I thought them fine fellows, although 
the M. P. which stands for authority 
will always be despised by the 
troops. 

Ed and I both felt that it was a 
pretty big moment when we at last 
were started on the very good French 
train and began rushing through a 
country that has filled the front 
page of every newspaper one has 
picked up since August 4th, 1914. 
But I found out during these last 
years, as we all found out, that we 
have to go on doing the common 
place things in life, saying the ordi- 
nary things, or we couldn't go on 
at all — ^we would bust. So if what I 
jot down from day to day isn't full 
of highfalutin language it hasn't 
been because I didn't do a little 
solemn thinking every now and then. 

Paris is a funny old girl, though — 
she paints on a gay new face every 
now and then, and you would think 
this spring she had not been carrying 
a pretty haggard countenance for a 
long while. I can't tell just how 



Innocents x^broad 17 

much the people have really re- 
covered from this long strain but 
whatever they feel they don't show. 
And compared to England it's the 
land of plenty. The restaurants 
close early but you can eat and drink 
as much as you can afford to buy 
while they are open. A menu in a 
restaurant is enough to make a man 
take out his letter of credit and be- 
gin to figure. At that, they say food 
is higher in New York, but it seems 
to stick around longer at home. 

It is impossible to spend any 
money with the Colonel for host. 
When we reached the station in 
Paris he was there with his big dark 
limousine — just as he always is in 
New York — and from that moment 
it has been a tussle to spend a cent. 
He looks well and he is certainly 
well fed. I don't think his cook who 
looks after him in his flat can be 
beaten. Our bedrooms are lux- 
urious with all the comforts of home 
and yet they haven't the character- 
istics of our American houses. If 
you furnished a room absolutely as 



i8 The Diary of Two 

it is in the States it would somehow 
or other look foreign. It takes more 
than a brass rail to make an Ameri- 
can bar! 

All sorts of distinguished people 
dine with the Colonel. We had din- 
ner last week with that strange com- 
posite of statesman-artist — Paderew- 
ski. Davison was also there and 
Seward Prosser — 'the talk was all of 
politics and finance, and the great 
piano player was right there with 
the goods. You felt that about the 
last thing in the world to say to him 
was: "How about your practicing 
— ^are you keeping it up?" He 
seemed a long way off from a key- 
board. He was very affable. But 
then Poles are — ^they make it a 
business. 

When I promised to keep a diary 
before I left home I had a sort of an 
inside arrangement with myself that 
I would see improving things so as 
to write of them. It gives a man a 
noble incentive if he knows his do- 
ings are going to be read by his 
children, besides he's afraid of his 



Innocents Abroad 19 

wife. I went to bed every night 
with the idea of getting up early and 
going over to St. Chapelle — ^or to 
have another look at Notre Dame — 
or to visit the tombs of the Kings at 
St. Denis. But often when I had 
been awakened (with a good deal of 
difficulty) it occurred to me that it 
was only selfish to do these things 
alone — ^that I would be better and 
happier when I was with the chil- 
dren. That I ought to keep my im- 
pressions fresh for them. 

To be sure we took some walks and 
dined in different quarters of the 
town just to see how all kinds of life 
was getting along after a world's 
war. It seemed to be getting along 
just as well and Montmartre had the 
same entertaining horrors — ^waiting 
— waiting once more for the strang- 
ers. Ed has a real mission in France 
— but I hear him coming in now. 
He is talking in a very high key and 
I think he has found his orphan. I 
must go quiet him. 




Eddie meditating 
about his orphan 



Two Innocents Abroad 21 



Paris, April 24.th. 

It wasn't Ed's orphan — ^it was its 
photograph. Ed's wife told him not 
to buy her anything, but to give the 
money for the care of a French 
orphan for a year instead — a very 
nice thing to do (and of course Ed 
will get her something nice besides). 
Anyway you place the money, 
France won't lose — ^you can bet on 
that., Ed thought he'd go right out 
and pick an orphan as easily as you 
pick up a paper at a news stand. 
Down with the penny up with the 
paper ! He wanted a girl with brown 
eyes that showed violet lights and 
golden curly hair. He talked a good 
deal about her, and felt he was very 
warm when he found the benevolent 
lady whose duty it was to secure 
motherless and fatherless little ones 
for Americans. Ed was greedy — • 
while he didn't wish the child bad 
luck, he did not want her to have 
any parents of any kind — he wanted 
a complete orphan for his money. 



22 



The Diary of Two 



He went into all sorts of extrava- 
gances trying to raise an extra sum 
for the little girl. We went to the 
races twice— purely to win money 
for the orphan — once to Auteuil, as 
pretty a race course as you can ask 
for. Something funny happened at 
this meet which I had better put 
down now while I think of it. There 
is a stretch of soft green sward which 
runs directly in front of the grand 
stand, between that and the turf 

course. Every- 
thing goes on 
on this stretch 
of lawn except 
racing talk. It 
might be a 
church lawn fes- 
tival except for 
certain kind of 
people present. 
The principal at- 
traction was 
the parade of the 
dressmakers 
models — mane- 
quins, you 




Innocents Abroad 23 

know — ^showing the latest fashions. 
Great crowds follow them as they 
walk unconcernedly about and they 
die a hundred deaths from camera 
shots. 

For my wife's sake I was looking 
at these ladies very strongly so as to 
tell her what was being worn when 
all of a sudden I heard runaway 
hoofs come tearing along, blocked 
from view by the mass of people. 
"Runaway, runaway," I cried, want- 
ing \o save a manequin. The 
Colonel took his cigar out of his 
mouth and spoke soothingly: "Be 
calm, Crandall, be calm; we're at the 
races." I admitted the drinks were 
on me. 

To get back to Ed's orphan. 
While we went both to Auteuil and 
Longchamp to raise money we didn't 
do very well, and I don't see why 
the betting system is called Paris 
Mutuals. I don't see anything mu- 
tual about it. However it didn't 
make any difference. As I said in 
the last entry I heard Ed whooping 
over the photograph of the little 



24 The Diary of Two 

girl and I went in to have a squint 
at her. The philanthropist lady had 
written quite a letter, gently leading 
up to the photograph. It seems in 
these days most of the first class 
French orphans have already been 
snatched up by those miCrcenary 
Americans. A full orphan, even a 
male full orphan, is out of the ques- 
tion and it is a good deal of a strug- 
gle to get a half one. Then, too, 
there is a scarcity of little ones who 
are fatherless, and a gentle effort is 
being made to m.ake the rapacious 
American, intent upon doing good 
out of his own country, pay a yearly 
sum for the child who has a nice 
papa but no mother to work for it. 

Ed got one of these. The snap 
shot was a long youth of about sev- 
enteen (unless he grew very rapidly) 
sitting on his poor father's lap, al- 
most crushing the life out of the 
little widower. The background was 
quite rich and what we presumed to 
be their chateau. The boy was 
making an effort to keep his long 
legs from trailing on the ground but 




Eddie s Orphan 



Innocents Abroad 25 

it was no use — ^he was a whale — and 
he swam out of Ed's charitable cal- 
culations at first glance. Ed may 
adopt a widower, but we are urging 
that his wife gets something pretty 
fine for her good intentions and let it 
go at that. 

I don't know why I am wandering 
on like this when we are starting up 
to the front tomorrow and I ought 
to begin writing in diary form. It's 
a strange thing but when you get 
right up to an enormity like France 
in these days there isn't much to say 
about it. You're part of it, and 
since you're part of it you go on 
being as ordinary as ever, no matter 
how big the thing itself is. 

If I remember what people say in 
diaries — those who go on travels: 
"All is ready for the start." I carry 
one big bag and a laundry sack, and 
wear my blonde coat which is the 
envy of all. We have maps, flasks, 
and some very good dice. I don't 
know what we end up in but we 
start off in a Pierce Arrow. The 
Red Cross has secured our passes — 



26 The Diary of Two 

and as we enter each new country a 
letter is to be given us so that we 
can get through without any daily 
laisser-passer, permis-de-sejour and 
all that sort of thing, don't you 
know. Colonel Burlingame is to go 
with us. I don't know what rela- 
tion he is to the San Francisco 
suburb but he's just as sunny. 

My last night in Paris and I spend 
it writing in a green book! Cruel 
sacrifice ! 




Col. Burr 

and the two innocents 

repairing car. 



Innocents Abroad 27 



Epernay, April 25th. 

We have been today over the bat- 
tle fields of the Marne— slightly im- 
peded by our car which refused to 
go on the trip having been over the 
ground a number of times and being 
conscious that the roads were slightly 
cut up. You would think any 
American car would be grateful for 
any kind of a French road but they 
soon get spoiled over here. There is 
nothing dull about a delay on the 
Marne battle fields however. You 
can step out of your car right into 
history. Meaux was the first big 
stop with its beautiful old flour mills 
built off the middle of the bridge — 
the bridge the English blew up in 
1914, which successfully stopped the 
advance of the Germans in that di- 
rection. 

This territory is all the more in- 
teresting to us, for, while the British 
and the French occupied it at first, 
it is largely taken over now by our 
troops. There are rough monuments 



28 The Diary of Two 

at various cross roads erected to the 
memory of the dead who lie in the 
fields, and their graves are mostly 
protected by little railings round 
which the peasant plows, but the 
grass has grown long on the resting 
places of the first boys to fall. 

From Meaux on we could see 
signs of destruction in shattered 
church towers and broken cornices 
but Burlingame shrugs his shoulders 
and says "Wait." Chateau Thierry 
was interesting for our men held that 
and had to pretty well pulverize the 
town to do it. I wish we Americans 
had made our first name for our- 
selves in some place we could come 
near pronouncing. As near as I can 
come to it the place is pronounced 
Tea-airy — ^all run together. Inci- 
dentally there is a chateau way up 
on a hill which no one thinks of. 
Also in the square the citizens once 
put up a statue to Fontaine. I want 
my children to read his fables and 
try to imagine what he would have 
thought of this war and could he 
have made a fable out of it. The 



Innocents Abroad 29 

old gentleman, if he is looking down 
on us, must be in a state of con- 
fusion. People used to come all 
through this region and on toward 
Nancy to take cures by drinking the 
waters. I don't see how they can 
ever do it again when you think 
what has been spilled into the oozing 
earth. 

We went to see a show tonight and 
the house was full of Americans — • 
our soldiers are all through here, 
pretty restless, I guess. Battle fields 
by day and a show at night ! I don't 
wonder Ed is — but I don't want it 
to get around generally that he 
snores. 



Two Innocents Abroad 31 



St. Menehould, April 26th. 

Made a good start for Reims to- 
day (pronounced like rancid with the 
id left off) and saw the old cathedral 
looking perky in spite of its hundred 
odd bombardments. Too bad they 
couldn't have removed the cathedral 
as they did the rare champagnes. I 
don't know where they went (they 
couldn't tell me) but while they 
seem to have an abundance in the 
caves which we walked through it is 
all new wine. In America we take 
foreigners up in skyscrapers. Over 
here they are conducted through the 
sewers of Paris and the caves of 
Reims for diversion. The Germans 
plowed right through Reims with 
the cathedral as the objective. It's 
as clean as a gun shot wound — sons 
of guns indeed. 

I'm writing at a rough table in a 
Knights of Columbus hut which is 
giving us shelter for the night as the 
town has nothing else to offer. 
Getting ready for bed won't be com- 



32 The Diary of Two 

plicated as I am too cold to take 
off my clothes, and the more I think 
about it the less important it be- 
comes to brush my teeth. I don't 
see how all the army discipline in the 
world can make a soldier wash when 
he's cold^ — ^and of course I don't 
know what cold is. I keep thinking 
of my kids, and wondering if they 
will be ever over in a place like this, 
having to put up with miseries that 
takes the heart out of the young 
even. It seems to me we ought to 
toughen them more to prepare for 
such a possibility. Are wars over? 
These boys don't think so. 

We went to a minstrel show to- 
night, all the talent made up from a 
darkey regiment — ^one of ours. It 
was mighty good, and I was proud 
of them. The second Pierce Arrow, 
knowing it would have to sleep in 
St. Menehould expired also and we 
are now negotiating with a Cadillac 
that wants to see the world. 




Pierce-Arrow in trouble 



Innocents Abroad 33 



Luxembourg, April 37th, 

I'm so dog tired I can barely push 
a pencil — and unlike the dough boy 
I ride and don't march with eighty 
pounds equipment on my back. But 
we are fairly comfortable here and I 
may add we have to pay for it, as 
this snug little duchy has the highest 
scale of prices yet. It seems to me 
years since we left this morning — 
have seen so much. First came Ver- 
dun entering over what the French 
call the "Sacred Road" in recogni- 
tion of the sad freight it carried for 
so many months: food, shells, wound- 
ed and dead never ceasing through 
that unequalled siege. Our ambu- 
lance corps did great work here be- 
fore we went into the war and there 
probably is no field once more under 
cultivation that hasn't had a little 
Ford bumping over it with its load 
of "blesses." With the great over- 
hang at the rear I don't see how the 
wounded stood the jolting, but the 



34 The Diary of Two 

car could go where other cars would 
sink in the mire. 

At Verdun we went through the 
citadel of living rock where the of- 
ficers lived during the siege — ^slept, 
ate, and made their plans. It is well 
lighted by electricity, steamheated 
and quite dry. The Town seems to 
me badly mutilated but Burlingame 
still says "Wait." The French in- 
habitants are coming back and "bus- 
iness is going on as usual" in some 
shops. The French are just like cats 
— places mean more to them than 
people. 

As soon as we approached Metz, 
which is in Lorraine and which the 
Germans still fondly hoped would 
remain theirs, the devastation 
ceased. The Allies moved so quick- 
ly toward the end it was a rout, and 
not bombardment and advance, 
bombardment and advance. Metz 
looks rather Teutonic but soon those 
characteristics will wear away, and 
French with a German accent will 
ceease to be. The ride up to Luxem- 
bourg was fine — ^green fields remain- 



Innocents Abroad 35 

ing as the good Lord intended: for 
the feeding of men not the killing of 
them. Luxembourg calls itself a 
little Paris just as every town does 
over here that wants to get in the 
lime light. It's little — but it ain't 
Paris. 







Wiesbaden 



Two Innocents Abroad 37 



Wiesbaden, April 28th. 

We are going to be another night 
in this place and I give warning that 
tomorrow is to be my ''Thursday 
afternoon off" and I'm not going to 
write a line unless it's a check. It 
makes me feel guilty to head this 
entry with anything as German as 
Wiesbaden but that's where we are 
— kindly treated by the waiters and 
that class, but very coldly received 
by the better people. I wondered, 
as I strolled around the pretty town 
tonight, when the people of the 
Allied countries will go to these Ger- 
man cures again and how welcome 
will they be when they do return. 
If England and America stay tem- 
perate there will be nothing to wash 
out of our systems anyway. But we 
can go over there to buy the stuff 
and then wash it out. 

We went through to Mayence to 
come here, branching off at about 
Treves from the road our men took 
to go on to Coblenz. Treves is 



38 The Diary of Two 

occupied by the Americans too. It 
has a little theatre presided over by 
the American actress, Dorothy Don- 
nelly, who has been working for 
months putting on plays with the 
talent drawn from our troops. We 
went to renew our acquaintance with 
her and found her pretty well worn 
out. Our stage people have done an 
enormous work both over home, as 
we know, and among our troops in 
France. They work for two dollars 
a day — the pay of a nurse^ — and 
when you think that some of them 
are in the habit of earning hundreds 
a week you see that it has been a 
real sacrifice. The Overseas Theatre 
League pay the two dollars daily^ — 
an organization of theatrical men 
and women^ — and the board and keep 
is paid by the Y. M. C. A. At least 
that is the way I understood it. 

We crossed the Rhine at Bingen, 
and Ed sang it: "Bingen, Bingen 
on the Rhine" to the great distress 
of the Cadillac which showed an 
inclination to back fire in the hope of 
reaching him. It makes you hot 



Innocents Abroad 39 

around the collar to see the fine con- 
dition of this country and think of 
the ravaged earth a little ways back. 
The despoilers must have realized 
that it was pretty hideous or they 
would never have thrown up the 
sponge when it seemed that a Ger- 
man potato patch might run the 
risk of being uprooted. 

Well, I've come to Wiesbaden for 
for a rest. I've been in four coun- 
tries and on one ocean trying to get 
it, and now I'll see what the peaceful 
German can do for me! 




Major Smith 



Two Innocents Abroad 41 

Cologne, April 30th. 

I forgot to say that we picked up 
Major Smith of the U. S. A. at 
Treves and he's just given me a cur- 
ious bit of information, extracted 
from him when somebody in the 
crowd objected to using a match 
for the Ughting of a third cigarette. 
It was Ed who objected still hoping 
for good luck when he gets another 
whack at Paris Mutuals. The 
Colonel called him a girl — ^Ed looks 
just like a girl — ^but the Major 
backed up his masculinity. They 
trace the superstition to an incident 
of the Boer War when three English 
soldiers one dark night on the veldt 
disobeyed orders arid each lighted a 
cigarette with one match. The 
spurt of the flame caught the sight 
of three of the Boer sharp shooters — 
and the three Englishmen lay dead. 
If they were as hard up for matches 
as England is they couldn't be 
blamed. 

This has been some day and it 
would do me a great deal more good 



42 The Diary of Two 

to look at the Cologne Cathedral by 
moonlight than write in my green 
book — but mindful of the little ones 
at hon e Father will stick to his job. 
We are as full of the Rhine as the 
Lorelei but owing to weather condi- 
tions are more fully clad. We re- 
traced our way to Mayence then 
motored straight up to the river to 
Coblenz, which is "teeming," what- 
ever that means, with American 
soldiers. It is our Bridge head, 
children, and I am proud to say we 
occupy it nobly and one would think 
exclusively. If I stood in the middle 
of any street and yelled out the 
name of any state in the Union one 
or more of these soldiers would fly 
forward to acknowledge their birth- 
right. They are reserved with the 
inhabitants but they get along with 
them. About one boy out of every 
five can speak German and it isn't 
hard for the other four to pick up a 
little, for you can't go very far 
wrong on the pronunciation. But 
not one out of a hundred can or ever 
will speak French, and while there 



Innocents Abroad 43 

has been a great effort among the 
French to learn a Httle EngUsh, and 
the pohee go to schools for the pur- 
pose, you will find a French family 
living five years in an English speak- 
ing company and proudly boasting 
that they know only their own 
tongue. Therefore, when we hear at 
home that our boys are hitting it up 
with the enemy put it down as a lie, 
but try to understand why it is such 
rumors might come to us. 

I was a little disappointed in the 
castles along the Rhine and think I 
am just as happy having all my cas- 
tles in Spain. The stream is so 
broad it looks like Puget Sound and 
even the biggest castle way up 
aloft is dwarfed, but they are gloomy 
looking brutes which we passed on 
our side, something like the cen- 
turies of people tliey have housed. 
All along the route it was American 
and English soldiers — the British 
growing stronger as we approached 
their Bridge Head, Cologne. The 
whole mass of those two armies of 
occupation give the sightseer a com- 



44 The Diary of Two 

fortable sensation. He is darned 
sure that for a while Fritz's fire works 
are over. That well-fed, well-set-up 
opposing force, although it seems to 
be cooling its heels and dissipating 
strength, is all rested up^ — ^(the way 
I hope to be some day) with a lot of 
surplus energy waiting to be used. 
They are orderly and the Britishers 
are certainly smart. Just the same 
I wouldn't give up a doughboy from 
Kansas for the Prince of Wales in 
native Welsh uniform^ — ^and I leave 
you to figure out what that costume 
is. The Germans had to pay for our 
lodging — although I don't know 
which one of the fourteen points 
covers the expenditure. 




Chauffeur Stone and crew of car 
that turned turtle 



Innocents Abroad 45 



Brussels, May 1st. 

Although it is May 1st I didn't 
pick any wild flowers today, but I 
might have done so as our car turned 
turtle in its effort to get over in a 
field and landed us in a ditch. We 
were just going into Brussels, or near 
it, and it may have been a judgment 
on me for not looking out of the 
window and improving my mind. 
As a matter of fact I was shooting 
craps with one of the party, "shoot- 
ing dice" as an English paper printed 
the other day, when the accident 
happened. We were some upset and 
the blood of Colonel Burlingame is 
making my hat immortal. We might 
have been killed and I wish the 
chauffeur. Stone, had been stunned 
until we could have left him behind 
somewhere. He introduces an ele- 
ment of danger which men past the 
fighting age do not court. 

We have dined tonight in our 
traveling clothes with Mr. and Mrs. 
Grosjean^ — our others still being in 



46 The Diary of Two 

the ditch. However we didn't take 
dress clothes — it was a Httle thick to 
go up to the front with boiled shirts 
stuffed in our bags. Brussels is put- 
ting on a bold appearance however, 
and at the Grosjeans there was a 
good deal of the pleasant ceremony 
people must have had before the 
war. Of course we talked of the war, 
and as it is the biggest thing the 
world has ever known we will prob- 
ably go on talking about it for the 
rest of our lives. All finance in our 
day will hinge on it and the next 
generations are going to be tortured 
over dates in history such as we 
older fellows have never suffered. 
What a lot there will be to learn! 
How glad I am I got my education 
when the Norman Conquest and the 
discovery of America was about all 
I had to stuff in my noggin, as I 
went trembling at my examination 
papers. But for them 1066—1492— 
1914 and all the others to follow! 
When we passed through Liege to- 
day I remembered how lightly I 
thought of that valiant fortress in 



Innocents Abroad 47 

July of the year of the war, and how 
much I thought of it a month later — 
those were the hot days out home 
when we were wondering if it was 
going to be serious. Serious! 




Col. Burlingame 

and his Dutch Rock Throwers 



Two Innocents Abroad 49 



Brussels, May 5th. 

If I were a dishonest man I could 
pretend in my diary I had been all 
this time in Brussels with a sore 
throat and just chronicle "Suffering 
terribly," but as a matter of fact we 
have been up in Holland and back 
again. Nothing to do with the war, 
I admit, but a little chance to get a 
rest. There was a good deal of war- 
fare going on in Holland however, 
Stone, the chauffeur, starting the 
battle by loud oaths to the passers 
by and a ready response from the 
Hollanders with rocks. I didn't 
know there were so many rocky 
formations in Holland — being a bog- 
gy country. Stone is undoubtedly 
insane and I would be more at peace 
in a trench with "Jack Johnsons" 
and "Big Berthas" aimed at me 
than in a car with that man driving 
through Holland. I wish to put it 
down right here that Holland is a 
very independent country and will 
stand no nonsense from anyone. 



50 The Diary of Two 

In spite of his attitude there were 
moments when I dared enjoy the 
tulips in the fields which grow as I 
have never seen them anywhere. 
They may be bad for the cows but 
they are awfully good to the eye, — 
and produce sleep — ^or might have 
done so if Stone had not been driving. 
Even so we got to The Hague, I 
having cleaned out the entire crowd 
shooting craps. It may not look 
well to my children to have me re- 
ferring in this way to games of 
chance but it kept my mind off of 
Stone — besides I won the money. 
Major Smith is trying to throw me 
for my blonde coat, but it looks as 
though I shall be wearing his khaki 
pants very shortly. 

We all dined with Mr. and Mrs. 
Westerman, two of their sons and 
their daughter-in-law also in the 
party. They live in nothing less 
than a palace full of rare things 
which my children could make a 
wreck of in about a month. 

Still I should prefer it to a castle 
on the Rhine — ^and even my own in 



''■■ffTM'fi 




The Blond Coat 




Col. Wierbreck 



Innocents Abroad 51 

Spain. They are people that seem 
to invest a place, no matter how 
lordly, with a comfortable element 
of simplicity. We found it like 
meeting with old home folks to see 
them again. Westerman has a clear 
mind — and the way he can talk 
Dutch and English both is too much 
a gift for the gods to hand any mor- 
tal. I would like to say we ran up 
to Amsterdam to see Rembrandt's 
Night Watch which everybody said 
we must do, but I can't. 

They say an English Tommy had 
a search for it in the gallery but got 
the name wrong. He was asking for 
"Sentry Go;" that's what I call the 
human touch that makes improving 
the mind go down easier. 

At Rotterdam we dined very well 
as guests of Colonel Wierbreck, U. 
S. A., and managed to escape from 
Stone long enough to go through the 
canals with a power boat. It was 
the best form of transit I've struck 
for a long time. Wind mills, pas- 
turage, tulips, cows, cheeses (but 
not many) everything within reach 



52 The Diary of Two 

without any dust and dirt. I must 
not forget to mention six goats also. 
We were alongside two farm houses 
and those six goats when the engines 
broke down — simply gave up the 
ghost and we reluctantly telephoned 
for our cars. There was no escaping 
Stone. His arrival was pleasantly 
delayed, however, and we had a very 
good meal at one of the farm houses. 
They served us simply, and took the 
money, but there is a fine inde- 
pendence about them which makes 
'em a right little, tight little nation. 

I wish to add that we went to what 
was supposed to be a musical Revue 
in Rotterdam^ — ^My God! If Stone 
had only insulted them it would 
have been to some purpose. There 
were no legs, no faces, no music, no 
dancing, and nothing to hold us but 
an actor who had his whiskers held 
up on one side by a wire and the 
other side by a rope. It made the 
darkeys back in St. Menehould look 
like the Russian ballet in their 
brashest moments. 

Think I will turn in. I didn't get 
much rest in Holland. 




On the dyke in Holland 
with the goats 




Col Burr and Eddie 
at Ostend 



Innocents Abroad 53 



Ostend, May 6th. 

Every mirror in our dining room 
in this hotel is peppered by bullets. 
It looks as though the town of Red 
Dog had come to Wolfville and shot 
up the place on one of those "Wolf- 
ville Nights." Ostend may some 
day be gay again, but I can't imagine 
it delirious at any time even in those 
old days when anybody who talked 
about a country ever going to war 
was left to converse with our deaf 
aunt. It seems to me it will always 
be British, so thoroughly have they 
filled it with a sense of themselves in 
that terrible four years' effort to 
keep the channel ports. A foolish 
watering place always looks more 
ghastly when at a serious business 
than a commercial city or a capital. 

Zeebrugge, too, is bowed by the 
war. The Germans held that, you 
remember, children, and a British 
Naval officer tried to bottle up the 
harbor as did Capt. Hobson during 
our Spanish war. He hasn't gone 



54 The Diary of Two 

around kissing anyone either, since 
making a name for himself. But 
your mother will have to tell you 
about that. Captain Carpenter also 
filled a ship with dynamite, headed 
it toward the great mile long quay 
and let it dash itself against the 
massive concrete construction. A 
great part of the dock was destroyed 
and many of the enemy killed. Air 
craft, too, were dropping things on 
friend and foe alike and I wouldn't 
advise anyone to bathe in those 
waters until the explosives that 
haven't gone off have been pretty 
well drowned. 

A British air man told me a funny 
story today about the Zeppelin raids 
in London and how we all, in our im- 
portance, feel that the enemy is out 
to kill us and nobody else. One 
little Cockney looked up in a lonely 
part of London and saw a Zep— 
miles away but seemingly over him. 
The little fellow ran for blocks be- 
fore he dared look up again but when 
he did there it was still. "Blimey," 
groaned the Cockney, "It's follow- 



Innocents Abroad 55 

ing me." I think that will be my 
exit speech to night. Tomorrow we 
get to Paris, — and then I hope to 
have a rest. 








Ypres Cathedral 




Arras 



Two Innocents Abroad 57 



Paris, May 7th. 

Burlingame was right when he 
said "Wait." Today we have seen 
the devastation made by those same 
people who squealed when we ap- 
proached their turnip fields. Get 
out your maps and draw a line from 
Ostend to Lille, on to Arras (pitiful 
Arras) through Doullens and all that 
region of the Somme down to Am- 
iens. I wish now for the first time 
in my life I had used my pen for 
something else than figures, so that 
I might tell of it. But we must all 
come over some day, for the visits 
of the strangers will build up France 
more quickly than indemnities. It's 
all graves and dust and little heaps 
of stone and mortar. And Chim- 
neys! A chimney always speaks for 
a family — ^little boys and girls and 
good French soup over the fire. 
They say the French will come back 
to the powdered heaps of homes and 
build it up again. We are of new 
blood in America. We don't mind 



58 The Diary of Two 

making a fresh start. We sort of 
enjoy moving on to other places. 
But if we told a Frenchman to come 
to America because his house was 
pulverized he would probably think 
I was trying to sell him a gold brick, 
or a town lot in Tombstone. 

At Amiens they were taking down 
the sand bags from the cathedral — 
or just beginning to. I suppose they 
thought it wasn't safe until Stone 
had passed through. Our party, or 
rather part of our party, did linger. 
We had by this time acquired two 
Cadillacs, the one in the rear carry- 
ing all the baggage — except the dice. 
And the baggage car went to smash. 
We didn't know it until we reached 
Paris, but I had on my blonde coat 
so it didn't trouble me any. I'm no 
boulevardier — how do you spell it — ■ 
but I'll match the world with that 
coat on — ^all except khaki — can't go 
up against khaki. Never thought an 
ugly color like that would grow to 
look so beautiful. 

I'm getting to the end of my green 
book and "a feeling of sadness comes 




Amiens Cathedral 








''JBt^fJ 



vr 



Innocents Abroad 59 

o'er me," not because I'm not going 
to hang over it every night Uke a 
lover, but that I expected this story 
to end up in some noble sentiment. 
I thought I might cook up one sen- 
timent anyway. I've got some way 
down as I've said, when I look at the 
rows of books on the stalls about the 
war, and I think how many people 
have been able to shoot off their 
mouths about it, it did seem to me 
that with as clear a head for figures 
as I have, I could figure up some- 
thing to say that would close up a 
diary prettily. But after this trip, 
even winning as much money as I 
have, I feel quite undersize. And I 
keep looking at the fine cane the 
boys gave me, and I wonder if it 
wouldn't have made all the differ- 
ence in the world in the way I'm 
feeling just now if I had had a full 
head of hair, and a little spring in 
my legs, and a few more years off my 
age, and had been carrying, instead 
of a cane, those eighty pounds on 
my back and a gun over my shoulder. 
I guess those are about the only peo- 



6o The Diary of Two 

pie right now who don't feel small 
when somebody says Arras or Ver- 
dun or Chateau Thierry. I thank 
the good Lord the boys have got 
that much out of it. 

Now I'm going over to London 
and get good and rested. 



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